Three of an Ed
by Shaggy Donahugh
Summary: A short trilogy about the Eds and the Kankers. These are my OTP's, and I hope to portray this in as realistic and canonized light as possible.
1. Buttered Ed

**Buttered Ed**

Ed didn't see things the way his other friends did. He didn't understand Eddy's need for money, or any of the big words Double D used to describe things to him, but there was one thing he did understand better than anyone else.

The deliciousness of buttered toast.

"Sarah, are we out of toast?"

No answer came from the top of the stairs, where his little sister was getting ready for school.

"Sarah!"

"What Ed!"

"Are we out of toast?"

The slam of Sarah's hairbrush and her stomping feet were of no worry to Ed, he had gotten used to her tantrums. It was only during a special time of month that he became nervous. She pushed past him, no easy feat considering the difference in size. Canned food, various boxes of cereal, and other food stuffs slammed around in the cupboards as she searched, her half-brushed, rust-colored hair seeming to fluff up like an irritated animal.

"Um, Baby-Sister, your hair is-"

"I KNOW ED! If you didn't have me down here looking for bread it wouldn't look this way! We're out of bread, tell mom when she gets home."

He pouted, "But Sarah, what am I supposed to eat?"

Pulling him down to her level by his lips, she yelled in his face, "I DON'T KNOW, FIGURE IT OUT IDIOT!"

Rubbing his lips after she released him, he pulled out a bowl and milk as her footsteps faded back up the stairs. Ruffling through the now ravaged cupboard, he turned back to the stairs, "Sarah! We're out of Chunky Puffs!"

Something else that Ed understood finally came to the fore front of his mind when he heard her brush slam and the house shake with her yell. Even though it wasn't that angry time of the month, she was still a force to be reckoned with. He high-tailed it out of the house, just managing to dodge a plate that hissed past his head, and only after he had escaped her throwing range did he slow his sprint to an easy lope. Furrowing his unibrow, the disconnected gears in his head attempted to grind out a solution to the problem the morning had handed to him. In between thoughts of perfectly buttered toast, Ed could vaguely hear his name being said, and he looked up, coming eye to eye with one of his pals, "Heya Eddy."

Eddy poked his friend in the forehead with a meaty finger, "What's wrong with you lumpy?"

Fat tears filled Ed's eyes, "The worst thing ever Eddy! My house doesn't have any buttered toast!"

Eddy rolled his eyes as he loped alongside his friend, "Jeez, don't get all bent out of shape. The school has toast."

Ed's brain snapped into high gear, locking onto the one place where he could get the one thing he wanted. Before Eddy could react, he found himself thrown Ed's shoulder, flying at a breakneck speed towards the school a few blocks away

"ED!" he screamed, "PUT ME DOWN!"

"BUTTERED TOAST EDDY!"

All the way to the high school they ran, Eddy wriggling his substantial body to and fro in order to escape his friends grip, Ed failing to notice his friend's shouts of discomfort. Only when Ed smacked Eddy's head on the door frame of the front doors did Eddy finally fall into a silent daze.

Ed set Eddy down amongst the sweet smells of the cafeteria, and caught the edge of a bump that was beginning to rise on Eddy's head, "You should be more careful Eddy."

Eddy grumbled something unintelligible, and then waved Ed away, "Go get your stupid breakfast Ed, I'm going to wait here for sock-head."

"Okey-dokey lemon pokey."

Moving into the food line, he found himself behind Rolf. Panic touched his heart when he looked at the tray that normally held toast was now filled with pancakes!

"Oh no." He groaned as he realized that he'd forgotten to check his weekly breakfast/lunch calendar in his haste to escape his sister's wrath. With head hanging low, he picked up a small plastic bowl of chunky puffs and a carton of milk. Just as he re-entered the lunch room, resigned to not so good breakfast of stale school chunky puffs and thin school milk, the smell of the best thing in the whole world caught his attention. Following his nose, he pulled up short at a table where Eddy had always told him to never go. A pretty blonde girl with manicured hands was unrolling a paper sack, and what she pulled out silenced the warning voices in Ed's head with a deep growl from his stomach. It was toasted to golden perfection, and as though Ed was hearing a siren's song, he found himself irresistibly attracted towards it and the yellow square that sat in the center. In just a few steps, he found himself standing right next to May Kanker.

"Uh, hi May."

She looked up, baby blue eyes as warm as a freshly dried blanket lighting up as they met his hazelnut brown, "Oh, hey Ed."

Ed bit his lip and cast his eyes around, "So uh, where are your sisters?"

"On their way. They were fighting over the bathroom when I left. Where are Eddy and Double D?"

He pointed at the table where the two sat, one with a slack jaw, the other with a slight smile.

"I see."

Awkwardness filled the air, and the gears in Ed's head reminded him of the terrors that the Kanker sister's had inflicted on him and his friends all through childhood. The chasing had eventually stopped, but the memories stayed fresh.

"So."

"Yeah."

Ed was confused. His eyes seemed to want to stray away from the toast, and he kept catching them resting on May. Even as his brain and his eyes played tug-of-war, his heart was doing backflips. He had once found her kind of gross; but now, well, she wasn't at all. Simple, yes, that was apparent even in the way she dressed. A plain white t-shirt and old-style bell-bottoms conformed to a shapely body, and her blonde hair was untouched by everything except a brush.

"Uh, Ed?"

He blinked, "Yea May?"

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

He blushed, "I was uh..well I was…can I have some buttered toast?"

His brain lost the war with his eyes as she smiled. He remembered back when that smile meant smooches and an hour of washing just to get the lip-stick off his face. Now he saw nothing but pretty things in that smile, even her slightly large front teeth didn't look frightening.

She handed him half the piece of toast, and he blurted out as he took it, "You look like a bunny."

May giggled, and he felt it go right into his stomach, where the butterflies were flying. Setting a hand on his arm, she said, "I have a rabbit at home if you would like to come over after school."

"Uh, okay."

Ed had found something else besides buttered toast that he understood.

May Kanker


	2. What a Brilliant Edd

A Brilliant Ed

"What the hell is lumpy doing?" Eddy muttered, a spoonful of cinnamon crisps hovering inches from their horrific fate.

Double D shrugged and flipped open a notebook, where his parents had left him a sticky note reminding him to turn in his homework for that day. Peeling it off and absently folding it into a neat square, he watched the pink blush invade Ed's face as May laid a hand on his arm, "No idea Eddy. I would posit that he's developed feelings for her. It isn't uncommon at our age."

Eddy let loose a low growl, "With a Kanker!? How could he?!"

Double D rubbed the back of his head, "I wouldn't worry about it too much Eddy. If you look at how well they match-"

"Match smatch. She's a Kanker! I'm going to go talk some sense into him."

Before Double D could say anything to dissuade his friend, Eddy had stomped off towards the table where Ed and May sat. May and Ed, oblivious to anything besides eachother, had stood and were now heading towards the cafeteria doors.

"Oh Dear." Double D muttered. He considered walking after Eddy, but another part of him didn't want Eddy's attention on him; besides, Double D was waiting for someone. The doors to the Cafeteria opened, and who else should it be but May's sisters. They moved over to the table where Double D sat, Lee sitting across from the skinny boy in the black stocking cap, the other sitting in his lap.

Marie gave her man a quick kiss, "Hey there loveboat."

Double D smiled, "Oh captain my captain."

Marie giggled, then looked up with Double D as Lee cleared her throat. She looked marvelous, her normal wild nest of hair tamed to soft copper curls that fell around her face and over her shoulders. A dark green graphic tee brought out her eyes, and Double D could hear her legs shifting with discomfort underneath a denim skirt. She met Double D's dark eyes with her own green ones, "So what's the plan for Eddy?"

"Well…we have a basic timeline, but if my time with those two has taught me anything, it's that you can't really expect anything to go according to plan."

Marie leaned forward and rested her chin in her propped up hands, "We're going to "kidnap" cutie here and the big guy. When Eddy comes to their rescue, you come out of the shadows and do your thing."

Double D frowned when he heard Lee let out a sigh. He wasn't used to seeing the most imposing sister seem so unsure, "What's wrong Lee?"

Lee shrugged, "I've been chasing Eddy around for a long time Edd. Unlike Ed, who only took a piece of buttered toast to kick start the process, Eddy doesn't have some quick trick like that. He hates us, and I don't think I can convince him that I do care. Just because you two can get us in the same room doesn't mean he's going to stay in that room."

Marie leaned forward and patted her sisters hand, "Everything will be fine Lee. You know him almost as well as his friends do, I'm sure you'll think of something."

"Do you think Ed and May will be alright?" Lee asked, casting a glance at the direction where Eddy had walked out to follow the two.

"They'll be fine." Double D said, "Ed will stick up for May if Eddy tries being a jerk."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because, Ed was looking at May the same way he does a cute animal, and he has yet to let Eddy hurt a cute creature."

Lee chuckled a little bit, then tilted her head, "So how did you two end up together anyway? You were always so scared of Marie."

Marie laughed, "Would you believe me if I said bugs?"

Lee's eyes narrowed, "You're pulling my leg."

"No, it's true!" Ed said, a goofy grin plastered across his face, "Actually, it was out in the woods behind the trailer park. I was out on my bi-weekly insect expedition, when I ran into Marie."

"He looked so scared, he couldn't move! Then he noticed that I was wearing rubber gloves and these ridiculous looking boots, and he asked me what in the world I was doing."

"She had noticed me collecting things out in the woods for the longest time, so she decided to help me. Every few weeks I'd go out and find some of the most exquisite specimens in glass jars. This time, I had caught her in the act."

Marie giggled, "So, before he could lose his nerve, I put a really pretty beetle I had found in his hand, and he had that exact same grin on his face when he saw what it was."

"It was a Japanese beetle, they're really rare around these parts. It was the jewel that I'd been looking for, and here was this girl that normally set off my flight reflex giving it to me!"

She leaned back and he wrapped his arms around her waist, "We talked for a little bit, and it turned out that even though we don't have a ton in common, we still thought alike, and we enjoyed each other's company. We've been going out ever since."

Lee smiled an exceptionally rare one that didn't contain a trace of malice, "You're lucky Marie, and I think you just gave me the perfect idea to get Eddy's attention."

She stood up and left out the cafeteria doors, leaving Double D and Marie behind to wonder what her brilliant plan would be.


	3. You Hurt My Eddy

_Damnit Ed, how could you! They're Kankers! No good for guys like us!_

These thoughts and others like them swam through Eddy's head as he followed his gangly pal and his new lady friend. She had to be up to something, rarely was a kanker after an Ed without some ulterior motive. As he rounded a corner they had disappeared behind, he ran smack dab into Ed's chest, nearly giving him a good headbutt in the process.

"Why are you following us Eddy?"

Eddy grinned his sly grin, "Just making sure you're alright Lumpy. Can't be too sure with a _Kanker _around."

Ed, as thick-headed as he could be sometimes, caught on to the implied malice, "Wow Eddy, maybe you're right. Kanker's can be quite scary."

May giggled, "As scary as a bunny, right Ed?"

He laughed along with her, "Bunny's aren't scary May."

Eddy didn't catch the elbow that she threw into Ed's side, nor the lovey-dovey look that Ed threw at her. He grabbed at Ed's arm, and Ed jerked it back, "What is wrong with you Eddy?"

"She's a KANKER! What has gotten into you!"

Ed glared at Eddy, then yelled, "BACK OFF EDD-AY!"

Back off Eddy did, then he began to get angry, "She gives you a piece of buttered toast and now you're her slave?! What the hell?!"

Ed glared at him before following May into the classroom. Eddy stared after him aghast, then stalked off to attend to his own classes. Between periods he looked for either Double-D or Ed, but he saw neither hide nor tail of either of them. As the day wore on he grew less irritated and more worried. Unusual behavior aside, it was unlike his friends to just leave him be. At the end of the day, his worries came to fruition when a thrice folded note fell from the door of his opened locker.

_Eddy,_

_ If you care about your friends at all, you'll come to the janitor's closet in the basement of the school. Bring flowers._

_ -The Kankers_

At the bottom of the note was bright red lipstick, and Eddy had a sneaking suspicion that it was the eldest of the Kankers that had left the impression upon the paper. He knew that they were up to no good, and yet Ed wouldn't listen. On top of that, Double-D had been dragged into this whole thing as well. It didn't bode well, but he was their hero, and now was his time to do his duty for his friends.

Hours passed, nervous energy coursing through his body, giving him the shakes and subsequent doubts that accompanied every bout with the Kankers. After building up the courage (with the help of a few hefty drinks) to go to the school after hours, he found himself facing the dark steps to what he was certain to be his doom. After a few trembling steps down the stairwell, he found himself insulted by his own cowardice.

_Damnit Eddy, _He thought, _It's time to stop being afraid. You're a man, like your older brother."_

With that thought he descended the rest of those stairs with a false confidence, then busted through the door with enough false bravado to impress Kevin.

"Alright Kanker's, where're Ed and Double D!"

Lights sprung to life, revealing Double D standing arm in arm with Marie, and Ed holding hands with May. Between the two of them stood Lee with a single mason jar filled with quarters, a sad look on her face.

"What the hell is going on here!?"

Lee moved forward, "Eddy…"

He glared at Ed and Double D, confused by the happy looks on their faces, "What are you two doing?"

Double D stepped forward, "We're sorry Eddy, but we're happy here."

Eddy bristled, "What does that have to do with me?! What the hell are you two doing scheming with these…these demons?!"

Double D bristled back, "Damnit Eddy, quit being such a jerk!"

Before anything more could be said, Eddy walked back out of the room, trying to escape the feeling of betrayal he felt rising in his stomach. He tried to rationalize it, but the images of one being arm in arm and the other holding hands nearly drove him mad, so he began his walk home. Behind him he heard a set of footfalls, but it wasn't until he was nearly home that the jingle of change turned him around. There Lee stood, an uncharacteristic look of vulnerability in her single visible green eye.

"What do you want Kanker."

She hesitated, and Eddy felt his stomach squirm when she answered, "I want to say I'm sorry Eddy. I was trying to say that all along, every time you saw me with this jar of quarters through the years, but you never listened. Do you remember how I came by these?"

He ruminated bitterly on the experience, "Yea, I do remember it, and I remember everything you took from me in the years after that, including my pride."

She shook her head, "All I wanted was for you to notice me, to listen. This was the only jar I ever took. The rest I put in a bank account signed under both my name and my mama's. I still have everything I ever took from you Eddy. I knew you'd spend it on somethin stupid like jawbreakers, so I stepped up and did what I thought was right."

He stepped up to her, now standing a full head taller than his nemesis, "Oh? And what about all the misery you caused me Lee? Remember all the times you humiliated me? All the bullshit I had to go through before I finally made a name for myself other than scamming? Because I do. What makes you think I'll believe or even CARE about your apologies and supposed love? Why should I even listen to you?!"

For once, Eddy felt guilt as he watched her begin to cry. "Because everything I ever did, I did because I cared. When I first met you I admit I did you wrong; but Eddy, we were young and stupid. Think about it, ever since that first day I've looked out for you."

Eddy kept walking, now within range of his door, "That's called stalking."

She stepped up behind him, "Eddy, please."

In all his years of being tormented, that was the one word he had never heard from any of the sisters, let alone Lee. He looked at her, "Fine. You have two minutes."

She stammered, taken aback by his abrupt change of attitude, "I've been there from the beginning, and I've never found anyone else to care about." He looked unimpressed, "I've saved every bit of change that I've ever taken from you."

"Yea? What does that total up to? Ten bucks?"

She bowed her head, "The point was is that I didn't spend it. I felt bad."

He advanced on her again, now growing irritated, "If you actually felt bad you wouldn't have meddled!"

She shoved him away, "And where would you be if I hadn't meddled? Ed would probably be Kevin's best friend right now after that popularity stunt you pulled, but I put a stop to that! In fact, both of your friends probably wouldn't still be with you if it wasn't for us driving you three together! I've always done what I thought was right by you!"

Eddy felt smaller as she jabbed her finger into his chest. It was beginning to click as she continued her rant, "Apparently you're too good for me though! You'd rather resign yourself to chasing after a girl that is to empty-headed to appreciate what you can do! The only other girl in this god-forsaken cul-de-sac is a psychopathic fourteen-year-old that is spoiled beyond anything either of us could even imagine! Are you telling me that you're going to spend the next few years chasing after a dream for nothing!?" She threw the jar on the ground, silver and tears glinting off the golden sun as they bounced away from the impact. She stalked away, anger and hurt etched into her face.

Eddy regarded the change, not only on the ground, but going on inside his chest as well. His feet began to move before anything truly set in, and before he knew it he was holding Lee against his chest.

"I'm sorry Lee." He said, and she looked up at him with make-up running down her face, her pretty curls now fly-aways, "Don't ask me why I'm doing this, I'm just going off my gut."

"This better not be some kind of sc-"

Her furious sentence was cut off by Eddy's mouth, and she threw her arms around his neck. She had been wrong all along. Eddy didn't want the money, he just wanted someone to acknowledge that he wasn't a failure. She felt so happy, and yet so stupid all at the same time.

From a distance two other happy couples watched as Eddy and Lee kissed in front of the setting sun.

Double D said, "One cannot truly understand the mind until they understand the heart."

Marie grinned, "Whatever that meant, I agree."

May smiled, "Took her long enough."

Ed laughed, "It's like watching toast being buttered."

Eddy looked at all of them, "Get out of here will ya!"

And Lee added in, "Yea, can't you see we's trying to have some private time over here!"

_And thus ends this three-part of the Eds and the Kankers. I'm sorry for the somewhat lame ending (It's been so long since I watched this show, I was finding it difficult to keep them in character), I might write an epilogue at a future date, but for now this is finished. I hope you enjoyed it, please leave your comments and suggestions for future EEnE fiction!_

_-Shaggy Donahugh_


End file.
